But really, I'm fine.

I'm so sad and scared right now. I don't know how to get out from under this.

I mean, I think I'll be fine, I usually am - it's only my anxiety getting to me, though it's not nearly as minor as that probably sounds. In the meantime, I'm struggling against crippling fear and panic. I have a class tomorrow, and I'm terrified. I push myself to go because I know I should, but I'm horrified at the thought of having another panic attack in front of everyone, and the thought that they'll all crowd around and ask what's wrong, and not leave me a way out is ... scary. Unnerving at best. Largely horrifying.

I hate this feeling. I hate being so lost all the time. I hate knowing that this sort of thing doesn't go away, and that I have to learn to live with it.

It's not fair that there isn't anything I can do about it. It sucks that no matter how I try to explain it, people who don't live with it never quite understand. It's scary to feel angry enough to smash a window out for no reason. It's humiliating to be so afraid that I can't get out of my house without being escorted by a family member. It's freaky to be so agitated that I feel like I'm going to slide out of my own skin. And it is so lonely to feel so lost and confused that every night when I go to sleep, I hope I don't wake up.

My hopes and dreams aren't to be skinny or beautiful or rich, or popular - nothing like that.

I want to be well again. I want to be able to just shake it off, and not feel like such a freak anymore. I want to wake up in the morning and get ready for school, and be happy about it instead of dismayed and apprehensive. I want to be able to answer a simple question from one of my kids without getting a tension headache (and we're talking about things like "what's for dinner" or "can I walk to the store"). I want to be able to deal with the everyday shit that everyone else goes through - like walking out the front door - the way everyone else does. I just want to feel like there's an end to this.

I just want to feel normal.